Product Description
Outrageous, raw, and painfully funny true stories straight from the life of the actor, comedian, and much-loved cast member of The Howard Stern Show—with a foreword by Howard Stern.
When Artie Lange joined the permanent cast of The Howard Stern Show in 2001, it was possibly the greatest thing ever to happen in the Stern universe, second only to the show’s move to the wild, uncensored frontier of satellite radio. Lange provided what Stern had yet to find all in the same place: a wit quick enough to keep pace with his own, a pathetic self-image to dwarf his own, a personal history both heartbreaking and hilarious, and an ingrained sense of self-sabotage that continually keeps things interesting.
A natural storyteller with a bottomless pit of material, Lange grew up in a close-knit, working-class Italian family in Union, New Jersey, a maniacal Yankees fan who pursued the two things his father said he was cut out for—sports and comedy. Tragically, Artie Lange Sr. never saw the truth in that prediction: He became a quadriplegic in an accident when Artie was eighteen and died soon after. But as with every trial in his life, from his drug addiction to his obesity to his fights with his mother, Artie mines the humor, pathos, and humanity in these events and turns them into comedy classics.
True fans of the Stern Show will find Artie gold in these pages: hilarious tales that couldn’t have happened to anyone else. There are stories from his days driving a Jersey cab, working as a longshoreman in Port Newark, and navigating the dark circuit of stand-up comedy. There are outrageous episodes from the frenzied heights of his coked-up days at MADtv, surprisingly moving stories from his childhood, and an account of his recent U.S.O. tour that is equally stirring and irreverent. But also in this volume are stories Artie’s never told before, including some that he deemed too revealing for radio.
Wild, shocking, and drop-dead hilarious, TOO FAT TO FISH is Artie Lange giving everything he’s got to give. And like a true pro, the man never disappoints.
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 RICK "SHAQ" GOLDSTEIN SAYS: "ALCOHOLIC... DRUG ADDICT... GAMBLER... OVERWEIGHT... FUNNY... LOVES HIS PARENTS!"
This is the autobiography of TV-radio-movie-star-standup comedian- Artie Lang. This book will do a lot of things to you. It will make you laugh... it will make you cry... and it will make you truly worry... that this beloved "mensch "... will kill himself... sooner... rather than later... due to his addictions to alcohol, heroin, cocaine, pain pills, food, and a lack of exercise. (And gambling... how can gambling possibly kill Artie you may ask? From his habit of making large bets with money he doesn't have... with the kind of people who won't be laughing when they come to collect what Artie doesn't have!) Everyone that cares about Artie... and anyone who reads this book will... has to shudder at his resemblance in appearance... talent... and destructive behavior... to the "late" John Belushi.
The author leads you from his childhood which included a courtroom appearance as a newborn to help convince a jury to give his Dad a second chance, during his trial for having stashed more than TWO-HUNDRED-THOUSAND-DOLLARS IN COUNTERFEIT MONEY BELONGING TO A BOOKIE IN A CABINET ABOVE THEIR FRIDGE. Artie loved his Dad with every ounce of his body and soul. His Dad was Superman to him. "As a kid, Artie was obsessed with baseball, and not much has changed since then. Like a lot of Fathers and sons, Artie and his Dad bonded over baseball more than anything else." As Artie intimately shares his life with you... he shares the good... and the bad. The pinnacle... the absolute happiest day of Artie's life was October 18, 1977. That was the day of the sixth game of the 1977 World Series between the New York Yankees and the Los Angeles Dodgers... the day that "MR. OCTOBER" Reggie Jackson with three consecutive swings of his bat... hit three consecutive homeruns... to clinch the World Championship... and ten-year-old Artie was there with his beloved Dad. When the last out was made... Artie states: "TO THIS DAY, I HAVE NEVER BEEN AS HAPPY AS I WAS AT THAT MOMENT. I THINK THAT DEEP DOWN, SUBCONSCIOUSLY, I HAVE BEEN CHASING THAT FEELING EVER SINCE. THAT TYPE OF RUSH, THE KIND THAT OVERCOMES EVERY BIT OF YOUR BEING, IS THE SAME RUSH YOU GET WHEN YOU FIRST CHASE MONEY AND GAMBLE. AND HEROIN? DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED. I'VE DONE BOTH OF THOSE OVER AND OVER AGAIN, AND EVEN AT THEIR BEST THEY DIDN'T MEASURE UP TO A FRACTION OF WHAT I FELT THAT NIGHT. I THINK MOST PEOPLE'S HAPPIEST TIMES OCCUR WHEN THEY'RE CHILDREN."
Eight years later on October 18, 1985 "exactly eight years later, his childhood and the carefree part of his life officially ended." "On the eighth anniversary of that day, my Father fell off a roof while installing an antenna and became a quadriplegic for the rest of his life. It happened one week after his eighteenth birthday." On February 1, 1990 his Dad passed away. Artie always placed part of the responsibility on his Dad's death on his own shoulders, because he was supposed to work with him that day and hold the ladder for him... but didn't.
From that point on the reader needs to hold on tight as Artie takes you through a self-destructive jungle of booze-cocaine-heroin-pills-you name it... as he shares tales of life as a cab driver... a longshoreman... a waiter... a standup comedian... an actor... TV star... Howard Stern sidekick... all linked with one common thread... over indulgence of things that will destroy you. It is not pretty... and I don't think the author intends it to be. Artie even comes clean by admitting, in depressing detail how he attempted to commit suicide... including his suicide note. Of course there is poignant humor along this maniacal path of debauchery... such as when he was working on MADtv and he had three hours worth of makeup applied to look exactly like a pig... including a "pig-snout" nose... but he got an unquenchable "Jones" for cocaine... so he snuck off the set while the whole crew was impatiently waiting... to go meet his drug dealer... who was taken aback when a human pig came for the cocaine buy. Perhaps the most rip-roaringly funny part of the book is when Artie "THE-PIG" battles to get a straw in his nose through the prosthetic pig-snout.
This is a thoroughly entertaining book... but it leaves you with the unsettling fear... that one morning on the news... the story is going to be about Artie Lange... following the path of John Belushi and Chris Farley as wild comedians who went too far...
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Couldn't put it down ( conrad462 )
Great and poignant book. Many of the stories were already told but book has more personal details than what was revealed on air. The real secret that Artie discloses is incredibly sad and even he could not make that funny. I am sorry that I finished it already because I really enjoyed reading and laughing at the same time.
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 Too Hard to Put Down ( realtechnews )
I hated Beer League but this book was a nice surprise. I thought I knew most of the Artie stories, but the way they are collected here and the way it all unfolds makes his life really sad and very interesting. Well done and worth the read if you love the Stern show.
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 Whaa, I released a ghost written book of regurgitated stories, whaa ( klo3 )
I'm a fan of Artie and all, but can there be any excuse for buying this book before the shipping on half.com is the most expensive part of the transaction? After reading it, I think not.
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Artie has lots of issues
This book is unfiltered. It is raw, but not in terms of language. It is raw because Artie has opened his mind and heart. While a lot of these stories were already made famous on the Stern Show, there is far more humanity in this book than you've ever heard from him on the radio. Artie has a lot of qualities and he goes from extreme self pity to over-the-top gravitas. There is no middle ground with Artie. Because there is so much to be found (look for all of the signs), I highly recommend this book for anyone who's dealt with or wants to learn something about addiction (gambling, drugs, alcohol), insecurity, and mental health. Artie probably has a couple of more books in him because his story is far from over.
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